1. you’ve probably never heard of him before. sorry to sound condescending. i mean, i’d never heard of him until two weeks ago and he’s written two movies that really influenced me. again, sorry, this is a terrible way to start a top ten list. ugh, top ten list sounds really gross to me. comedic gross. not like puke on a turd gross.
2. he received an mfa in screenwriting at ucla. his thesis would later become harold and maude.
3. he wrote two really underrated great films; silver streak and foul play. directed the latter.
4. he wrote and directed 9 to 5.
5. this is what dolly parton looks like now.
6. he is responsible for one of the best fight scenes ever.
7. he died of aids. and not the comedic, hilarious aids. the serious one.
8. his wikipedia page is a third the size of dan harmon’s. and it doesn’t even include a picture.
would it be cool if we called our dance troupe “dressed for movement?” common sense would probably tell you we should be a little more clever with our name. but i come from the “we don’t need clever puns to win you over” school of dance troupe naming. and i think it complements our no nonsense dancing style.
when i was in middle school i told all my friends that i was really into the spin doctors despite ever having heard a spin doctors song. then, upon hearing their music and not really being as into it as i thought i would have been, i had no choice but to pretend i liked said spin doctors’ music. i had become the very doctor of spin the band had warned me about.
There’s something about a good road trip that I just love. You know what I mean honey? Desert wind in our hair. Blue sky above our heads. It’s heaven. Absolute heaven. Oh, look at that car up ahead. Ha! Those three look like they’ve seen their share of adventures. Hey, they’re looking back at us. Wave, honey, wave. Wait a minute. I’m not sure, but I think that might be a… It is. In the trunk. It’s a ROBOT FLASHING AN OK SIGN! Hey! Hey! Pull your car over! You have a robot in your trunk! Yeah! I’m serious! No, it doesn’t look menacing at all actually! No! In fact it looks like the hand of a robot that could really party down, but at the same time, teach you a little bit about yourself! You know like Johnny 5’s hand! Isn’t that funny?! It’s the kind of scene where if I took a picture of you right now, I’d in no way use it to promote any kind of action/adventure show! Yeah, it looks more like a cheap 80’s road trip comedy! I think you’re gonna be okay here! Sorry for the false alarm! Goodbye! Nice people. Turn the radio up, would you honey.
in the summer of 2008, the boy scouts of america commissioned me to write a script based on the scout law point “reverent.” without going into too much detail, i’ll just say that the finished result was but a ghost of my original masterpiece. see for yourselves:
and here’s my original script:
Ext. Desert - Night
The most angelic piano music you’ve ever heard plays.
A GROUP OF MULTIRACIAL BOY SCOUTS bundled in sleeping bags. Two MULTIRACIAL SCOUT LEADERS stand watch. Words can’t describe how beautiful it is. Just know that it’s fucking BEAUTIFUL.
Suddenly a SHOOTING STAR sparkles across the majestic night sky above.
BOY #1 (Nonthreatening Mexican): Look at that!
BOY #2 (White): Check it out!
BOY #3 (Nonthreatening African American): Whoa, look at that!
Boy #3 starts to seizure. He grips his head as foam begins spilling out of his mouth.
Boy #1 claws at his eyes, the beauty too intense for him. Blood gushes from between his fingers.
Boy #1 (crying): In the face of this, we are dust, nothing more. Unto this dust, we return.
Boy #1’s head explodes.
Boy #2 starts jerking off, using Boy #1’s head blood as lubrication.
The two troop leaders watch proudly.
TROOP LEADER (Mildly Threatening Native American): Thank you God.
Reveal God in the sky, sitting at a baby grand piano. This whole time he was playing the angelic piano music!
GOD (whispers): You’re welcome.
He cries a single tear. We track with it as it falls to Earth, splitting into a thousand little droplets. The drops multiply and multiply until finally they turn into rainfall on a…
Ext. Maine Countryside - Night
A man dressed in a prison uniform, ANDY DUFRENSE, emerges from a sewage drainpipe. He stumbles to his feet, the first steps of a free man. The rain beats down as Andy raises his arms triumphantly. Freedom.
The Boy Scouts of America symbol fades up. Fade to black.
